Bats Disappear in 18-9 Loss to Shock And Awe

Oompa, Loompa, doo-pa-dee-doo
I've got crappy story for you
Oompa, Loompa, doo-pa-dee-dee
No one wrote a blog entry for me.

What do you get when old blue is missing?
A leadoff hitter who will strike out looking.
What if your Mexican stache stays away?
How many runs will score today?

I don't like the look of it.

Oompa, Loompa, doo-pa-dee-da
Enchilada balls did not go far.
Oompa, Loompa, doo-pa-dee-doo
The loss-less season went to poo-poo.
Went to poo poo.

SAN ANTONIO, TX (AP-from 3rd Party reports) - The 3-0 Angry Enchiladas took the field in their maroon alternate "special occasion" jerseys Wednesday night against the 1-2 Shock and Awe squad and their shockingly awful vomit orange attire. If you watched either of the last maroon/orange clashes on national TV, then you know what happened.

The maroon, without their co-founder, inspirational stache, and 66% of their Mexican-ness, had no bite in their Enchilada sauce. Without their pasty-white, 4-year old bat boy; Old Blue trusty softball bat; and 100% of the rest of the ethnicity of the team (including the other 33% of Mexican-ness), it was hopeless. The offense did not show. Leadoff hitter and then-League batting title leader Oompa Doege set the tone by getting sat down BACKWARDS. This led the way to a season low .394 team batting average for the toothless tortilla tubes, and single digit runs for the first time. Meanwhile, per usual, the puke brown offense got miracles from every angle, bleeding grounders through, and exploiting the re-emergence of the angelic fart flauta defense (see "holy"), to the tune of 18 runs. For those of you who don't do maff, AE Sports' undefeated season went the way of Monday's China Harbor lunch in spectacular, doubled-up fashion.

Notes from the Game: Cleanup hitters Jason and Adam both made outs on the same play in the fifth inning, tying him for team lead in GIDP. Rumor is that one of them suffered a concussion while the other pondered a Terry Tate attack on the umpire.

Wonnie Cross (3-1) suffered his first loss of the season.

ANGRY ENCHILADAS
		AB	R	H	RBI	HR	BB	K	SB	AVG
J. DOEGE	LF	4	0	2	2	0	0	1	0	0.786
S. ANIOL	1B	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.600
C. DOEGE	3B	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.400
J. ADAM	LCF	3	1	1	2	0	0	0	0	0.643
C. GILPIN	3B	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.583
D. THOMPSON	RCF	3	1	2	2	0	0	0	0	0.500
P. MOLTZ	RF	2	2	1	1	0	1	0	0	0.600
L. CROSS	P	3	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.429
J. HANS	EH	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.500
C. KAY	SS	3	1	1	1	0	0	0	0	0.333
B. MCNEW	C	3	0	1	1	0	0	0	0	0.400
TOTALS		33	9	13	9	0	1	1	0	0.546
BATTING
2B - DOEGE (2), ADAM (2), GILPIN (2), THOMPSON (2)
GIDP - ADAM
RBI - DOEGE 2 (6), ADAM 2 (9), THOMPSON 2 (4), MOLTZ (3), KAY, MCNEW (3)
GAME DETAILS
ATTENDANCE:  UNK

Showdown of the Undefeated? Fuggedaboutit

ENCHILADAS EMBARRASS IVF IN “SHOWDOWN”

SAN ANTONIO, TX (AP) – Ali/Frazier.  Duke/Kentucky.  AE Sports/IVF?  The two teams were undefeated going into Wednedsay’s behemoth matchup.  IVF had won their games by a combined score of 34-9 and the tortilla tubes had just given massive heartburn to their last opponent en route to a 13-1 win.  The unstoppable force meets JG’s forearm.  The drama.  The fanfare.  It lasted for three batters.  “Oompa” Doege ripped a first pitch double and refused to score on Cisneros’ ensuing single, setting the table for “Loompa” Doege.  With the wind blowing harder than Kelly Linebrink, Loompa would mash his first HR of the season, effectively ending the game and Gilpin’s night of excitement.  Clint, where has this power come from? 

“Y’all know me, still same CD, but now I hit three.  Gotta drive in these two runners before me, no wheels, and no speed.” 

The first inning turned out to be a Tarantino-esque bloodbath, with the furious flautas exploding for a season high 13 runs.  FIVE players would get two hits in the inning, including the aforementioned Oompa, who was on his way to a 5-for-5 evening by hitting a Steffi Graf topspin ball that glanced off Bill Dorn’s glove for a “hit” in his book.  The night has propelled him to a league leading average of .900.  He was asked about his performance thus far, keeping it simple and singling the opposition (and any ground life) to death, but begging for calls from the keeper.

“No bombs and no seeds.  No walks no double plays, no FC’s.  Mad at me cause I can finally get on base without walking so they call some Es.  Got a guy with some statsheets and it’s all full of hits.  Cuz that’s kinda game I spits.  And I’ll show you the place where the future hitting trophy sits.”  

The Doege Brothers are Jollily leading the Enchiladas on Offense

Well, that’s a lot of confidence, considering the company you’re in.  AE Sports now boasts four players with averages over .700.  They have started to flash some leather too.  The outfield has looked much more solid than Game 1, and Stephen Aniol moved over to 3B for the second half of this game.  To go along with a 4-for-4 night at the plate, Aniol knocked down a screaming nut-killer and made a nice play on a slow roller, with both ensuing throws causing 1B Hans to wish he hadn’t eaten so much fiber for lunch.  The play of the night was also made by Aniol, who for some reason in a 26-3 game, went full bore toward the light poles and caught a foul ball while taking a glancing blow.  “You %$&$-knockers can’t coach heart,” said Coach Thompson.  We caught up with Aniol after the game about that play.

“Did y’all think I’d let that ball drop?  Hoe, stop.  You cannot take me down with these guns  (points to arms).  Don’t you think I’m here to have fun?  Don’t you think I’m here to win some?  MVPs, Gold Gloves, and number one…and yes Ima get it done…make a run on title of the most home runs.”

Someone check the testosterone and HGH levels on that guy.  Still, at least they’re no longer mistaking him for Stephanie in the press box.  The two week devastation brings to question what the “good luck” charm of the Enchiladas is.  The groupie extraordinaire was missing from the stadium, yet the avalanche of hits poured on.  Two constants…bat boy Isaac was there for the second straight week….as was Eric Cervantes’ moustache.  Once again, there is no visual evidence that the Don Juan ladies’ lure actually exists, but it’s effects are unmistakable.  We asked him what was the reason?  Did he like it in the movie “Chocolat?”  Is it good luck?  What?  And for God’s sake…give us a photo op!

“Gave it some thought when I saw it . That’s not what I wanted to do. But when my hitting stats wasn’t doing too good, it’s the moustache that they told me to grow free.”

Excellent.  Hopefully we’ll see it next week, because rumor has it that we’ll not see Isaac the batboy due to overdose on worms, seeds, and learning too many “new words.”  That, or the Japsican is going to be out of state.  There were a couple of questions in the middle of the lineup.  In the 28 run annihilation, Jason Hans managed to score ZERO runs, the equivalent of going to the Tap and seeing no good looking girls.  How does that happen?  Well, there were 15 outs made by Enchilada hitters, and he and Wonnie (3-0) combined for 6 of them, or 40%.  Impressive.  Hans did come through with a 5 RBI day though.  Also questionable was the absence of the Wonnie Wunning Game, provider of so many good times throughout the course of the season.  We caught up with the sausage aficionado after the game, and baserunning is apparently not his favorite subject.

Wonnie not allowed to run on the basepaths = Tigger without bouncing

“Y’all better listen up closely.  All you people that said I can’t stop, my slides are flops, y’all are the reason that I ain’t been usin’ my speed.  Slowin’ down.  Base to base.  If y’all don’t like it…blow me!  Y’all are gonna keep makin’ more fun of me and turn me back to the old me.”

Well, that would be more fun.  It would also be more fun if all of you AE Sports guys would quit talking like Eminem.  Unless you were on the mad Mexican cannoli team tonight, it was no fun.  Tonight, it was man vs. food….and Food Wins.

Game Notes:  Jeremy Doege has 6 hits in a row now, and has made only one out (only one GD out!) this season.  Brian McNew brought sexy back with his patented 25 yard wedge shot for a single in the 3^rd.  Coach Thompson went 3-3 and filled out the stat sheet quite nicely.  He seems to love the 9-hole, whatever that means.  Chad Gilpin had a quiet night (partially because he switch hit), and probably wishes he could have a few more of those, having just added twins to his household.  

ANGRY ENCHILADAS
		AB	R	H	RBI	HR	BB	K	SB	AVG
J. DOEGE	LF	5	4	5	3	0	0	0	0	0.900
T. CISNEROS	2B	5	3	4	2	0	0	0	0	0.818
C. DOEGE	3B	5	3	2	4	1	0	0	0	0.429
J. ADAM	LCF	5	3	4	3	0	0	0	0	0.727
C. GILPIN	SS	5	2	3	1	0	0	0	0	0.667
J. HANS	DH	4	0	2	5	0	0	0	0	0.571
L. CROSS	P	5	2	2	1	0	0	0	0	0.455
S. ANIOL	1B	4	2	4	1	0	0	0	0	0.714
D. THOMPSON	RCF	3	3	3	1	0	1	0	0	0.455
E. CERVANTES	RF	3	3	2	4	0	0	0	0	0.400
B. MCNEW	C	4	3	2	2	0	0	0	0	0.429
TOTALS		48	28	33	27	1	1	0	0	0.593
BATTING
2B - CISNEROS (2), THOMPSON, DOEGE, ADAM, ANIOL
HR - C. DOEGE (1)
RBI - J. DOEGE 3 (4), CISNEROS 2 (3), C. DOEGE 4 (7), ADAM 3 (7), GILPIN (5), HANS 5 (8), CROSS (3), ANIOL (1), THOMPSON (2), CERVANTES 4 (4), MCNEW 2 (2)
GAME DETAILS
ATTENDANCE:  1

Pitching and Defense Propel Enchiladas to 2-0

SAN ANTONIO, TX (AP) - Pitching and Defense win championships.  As proverbial as "beans beans...," or "it is good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl."  We don't like to say such mundane, repetitive things over and over, but hey, "if the shoe fits."  Wonnie Cross (2-0) took the mound and from the start it was over, dominating the hapless Costa Rican Curlers to the tune of a 2-hit, 0 ER performance.  The human highlight reel also rebounded from last game's collar at the plate by filling up the stat sheet, leading the livid filled tortillas to a resounding 15-1 victory at Alva Jo Softball Complex.  


Game 2 for AE Sports featured the debut of Clint Doege, Stephen Aniol, Phillip Moltz, and Eric Cervantes's moustache.  Moustache?  C'mon.  We all know that this is Eric clean shaven:

And we also know that it is Eric after 2 weeks of not shaving.  So where is the picture of his new face fuzz?  The paparazzi failed to acquire one, so you will have to attend next week's game...maybe push the attendance above 2?  But I digress.  The new additions shored up the defense quite nicely, making the Enchiladas harder to score on than Doege's wife during her time of the month while not drinking and after he's made an off-color (but funny) comment on a Monday night.  Yeah..that tough. 

So that's it...a ho-hum week.  No Wonnie rundowns.  No dropping of fly balls, no Adam meltdowns in the field/dugout, no gargantuan 3-run game winning HRs, and Casey even earned a ride home (though just barely it seems).  Just a solid, 14 run victory.  Boring.

Game Notes:  Jeremy Doege's streak of 3 consecutive hits came to an end with an E6 in the second.  Of course he cried and begged the keeper to change it...I guess he has to hit it when he can.  Coach Danny Thompson somehow scored 3 runs while going 1-4 and almost hitting into what would've been a league-leading second double play.  "&*CK you, [expletive] noses, you [expletive] faces," when asked for comment.  For the second week in a row, Cisneros hit the ball deep for an extra base hit, equalling two for the season...someone check his HGH levels.  Player of the week:  Wonnie Cross - did it like this (5IP, 0ER), did it like that (3-3, 2B, 3R, 2RBI)...did it with a whiffle ball bat (surely there were groupies for that performance).  Fantasy Goat of the week:  Cervantes - no one likes checking their player on a team that scores 15 runs, and seeing 0-2, R, BB...but everyone is going to like to see:

Courtesy of the team leading K that was registered.  Good times.

ANGRY ENCHILADAS
		AB	R	H	RBI	HR	BB	K	SB	AVG
D. THOMPSON	RCF	4	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	0.250
J. DOEGE	LF	3	3	2	0	0	0	0	0	0.800
C. DOEGE	3B	2	0	1	3	0	0	0	0	0.500
J. ADAM	LCF	2	1	1	2	0	0	0	0	0.667
C. KAY	SS	3	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.333
S. ANIOL	1B	3	1	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.333
E. CERVANTES	RF	2	1	0	0	0	1	1	0	0.000
L. CROSS	P	3	3	3	2	0	0	0	0	0.500
P. MOLTZ	C	3	2	2	2	0	0	0	0	0.667
T. CISNEROS	2B	3	1	2	1	0	0	0	0	0.833
TOTALS		28	15	14	11	0	1	1	0
BATTING
2B - CROSS, C.DOEGE
3B - CISNEROS
RBI - D. THOMPSON (1), C. DOEGE 3 (3), J. ADAM 2 (4), CROSS 2 (2), MOLTZ 2 (2), CISNEROS (1)
GAME DETAILS
ATTENDANCE:  2

  
SEASON STATS:

Game 1 - Winning Ugly is Still Winning

SAN ANTONIO, TX (AP) - It was a night of fanfare here at Alva Jo Softball Complex Opening Night, with the unveiling of new wireless scoreboards that actually work, ID checks, and charging $2 per spectator.  Did Time Warner take over this thing?  What next...no drinking in the parking lots?  Nevertheless, the evening was closed out with a matchup between the Angry Enchiladas and St. Losers on the schedule, and they did not disappoint.  The game had everything that the 2 spectators could ever want from a nightcap.  Base-running errors, fielding errors, throwing errors, fascinating umpiring by the Ike brothers, and late-inning drama.

The cheese tubes were, as Joe Namath put it, strug-gle-ing throughout the game, and it began in the first inning.  Cisneros hit a Willie Mays-Hayes ball into RCF, bringing up Thompson, who promptly muscled one to deep...Pitcher for a crowd-pleasing 1-6-3 DP.  "I'm no [expletive] stranger to the [expletive] DP...I just [expletive] usually like to [expletive] be on the [double expletive] giving end," said the coach.  J. Doege followed with the softest single since Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do," but got caught overrunning the bag on J. Adams' seeing-eye single, appearing to lose sight of where the ball was.  "I turned the bag and looked at the base coach.  Where'd he go?  The basecoach just said....where'd WHO go???."  So this is how a team gets 3 hits yet bats only 4 people in an inning, scoring no runs.  Impressive.

Wonnie Cross (1-0) got the start for the fart food, and went the distance...very consistent despite home plate umpire Ike Antcy's strike zone, erratic defense and his general Wonnie-ness.  He was helped out of a 2-on-2-out jam by a great over-the-shoulder catch from newly acquired shortstop C. Kay (no relation to the clothing designer).  "I was just glad to help the team out somehow, since I hit like a girl," said Kay.  Kay's expectant wife (and one of the 2 fans in the stands) would also pipe in "the baby is very disappointed to have to witness that kind of offensive production."  (get it?  offensive production?)  yeah.  ok.

Doege would lead off the third with a sharp single and apparently felt the need.  The need for speed.  Trying to stretch the single to a double and ignite his team, he was gunned down by a couple of feet.  Indeed you do need some speed, Mr. Doege...what were you thinking?  "out there on the basepaths, you don't have time to think.  If you think...you're dead."  Well, that's a helluva gamble with a 3-2 deficit.  The inning was salvaged as Hans would hit a 2-RBI double in the gap. The defense shored up a bit in the middle innings.  Adam threw a runner out at 3rd and almost had another one at the plate.  Gilpin would make a nice play at third.  The OF made some nice running catches, and Wonnie even knocked down a liner.

Down 8-6 in the last inning, disarray overcame the umpires.  McNew led off with a smash to LF.  Then the MexicanwearingaclassyHootersjersey formerly known as Clint Doege hit a sinking liner to center.  The ball clearly bounced before entering the CF's glove, yet Ike Antcy yelled "OUT," which confused McNew, who froze like he was on top of your mom and your dad entered the room.  Infield umpire Ike Anttalk said, well, nothing, so there was nothing fleet-footed McNew could do but be out.  The umps convened not once, not twice, but THREE times...and reversed the call three times.  Meanwhile, the clock was running out.

This nonsense played directly into the hands of the mentally strong furious flautas.  Cisneros hit a ball in the gap (probably the furthest he will hit a ball all year), and after Coach Danny made his token out, Doege walked, Adam singled and now despite going through great lengths to give the game away, it was just how Gilpin likes it...tight at the end.  When that happens, he hits it and hits it hard.  Boom...outta here.  11-8 Poop Makers.  Winning.

The encounter was an 11-10 victory, but I think we have show it as an example of what not to do on a softball field.  The box score is below, if I can figure out how to post it...

ANGRY ENCHILADAS
		AB	R	H	RBI	HR	BB	K	SB	AVG
T. CISNEROS	2B	3	2	3	0	0	1	0	0	1.000
D. THOMPSON	RCF	4	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.250
J. DOEGE	LF	2	1	2	1	0	1	0	0	1.000
J. ADAM	LCF	4	2	3	2	0	0	0	0	0.750
C. GILPIN	3B	4	1	3	4	1	0	0	0	0.750
L. CROSS	P	3	2	0	0	0	1	0	0	0.000
C. KAY	SS	3	2	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.333
J. HANS	1B	3	0	2	3	0	0	0	0	0.667
B. MCNEW	C	3	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	0.333
S. PICKUP	RF	3	1	1	1	0	0	0	0	0.333
TOTALS		32	11	17	11	1	3	0	0
BATTING
2B - CISNEROS, GILPIN, HANS
HR - GILPIN
RBI - DOEGE (1), ADAM 2 (2), GILPIN 4 (4), HANS 3 (3)
GIDP - THOMPSON
GAME DETAILS
UMPIRES:  HP - IKE ANTCY.  INF - IKE ANTALK
ATTENDANCE:  2

AE SPORTS 2011

Greetings, 12 other people who will ever read this.  Notice the lack of creative compound word name that I address you with.  That is because our new player/manager is not in charge of this attempt at charting our triumphant 2011 season of softball.  A quick introduction to the state of the team named after a stomach problem inducing dish of food rolled in tortillas and then on to the game updates. 

The 2011 Angry Enchiladas:

Danny Thompson, aka "White Lightning" - Nicknamed years ago for his above average speed and nifty laser-surgery-white tennis shoes, Danny is a founding father of the mad Mexican-food men.  He also has assumed totalitarian control over the lineup and is characterized by his long locks, affinity for overselling his washers prowess, working 10 hours per month, and "creative" language.

Eric Cervantes is the other founding father of the furious flauta franchise.  Yes, that's a lot of Fs.  Eric is the token Mexican of the team, and loves to do the "El Guapo" dance.  He likes to do things like drink whiskey, host crawfish boils, train for triathlons, study, and do everything except play on his softball team.

Lonnie "Wonnie" Cross IS the human highlight reel.  Sorry, Nique, but you aren't able to produce the kind of comedy and excitement that Wonnie brings week in and week out on the diamond.  If he's at the plate, then there is a good chance that he'll swing and miss or yell at the umpire in frustration. Assuming that he gets on base, then a full blown circus breaks out...over-running bases, rundowns, stops and starts and "slides" are all part of the comedy that this 6'4" 275lb white lightning brings to the table.  And yes, before we get any further, he did beat yours truly in a foot race.  Further indeed, Wonnie wuvs weenies. 

Chad Gilpin is back after a several year hiatus.  He's now married, has a child and is expecting twins any day. This must be why, despite being able to actually field a grounder and providing us with monster bombs, Chad Gilpin sucks at softball.  Too bad...because we could really use a good player.

Jason Hans is the quiet assassin of the group.  Never really says anything on the field, but he just plays solid out there...ice cold...no mistakes.  At the end of the night, you look down and he has 2-3 hits, some RBI and some beer in his cooler for afterwards.  Jason is back after being afflicted with the shoulder disease that has been plaguing this franchise since it changed names a few seasons back.

Brian MAAAAAAAAC-new has been on the team since Day 1.  He is the Cal Ripken of catchers...playing through injury...always showing up, and always having a smile on his face despite having to deal with laser beam throws from our LCF.  He also wears out the patch of grass between the shortstop, LCF and LF...is there a nickname for that?   

Phillip Moltz is back after sustaining an injury...a hernia I believe.  Nicknamed "Casanova," we all know how that was caused.  Casanova likes to run underground poker games, own dogs that are bigger than horses, and compete against Magnus ver Magnusson in the World's Strongest Man competition. 

Clint Doege is one half of the La Vernia connection that bring country to the meat-filled toilet trip tubes.  He also brings a jolly disposition, a mean washers game, and beer.  One of the youngest guys on the team, Clint compensates for his youth by being just as out of breath as the rest of us after a 60 foot run down the baseline.

Stephen Aniol IS the youngest guy on the team, and is also country, but it's rare that you groupies will get his autograph.  He has errands to run, grass to cut, dirt to haul, a runny nose, or just no desire to drive the 115 miles to play some nights.  A converted catcher, Aniol will get in front of hot shots and show off his arm in the infield.  In the outfield is a slightly different story.

We don't know much about Casey Rolen.  We do know that we acquired him from the Reds to shore up the left side of our infield.  We also appreciate that he puts butts in the stands...AE Sports is in dire need of fan support. 

Jeremy Doege is the older of the two Doeges.  With no Russell Doege around to be his kryptonite, Doege is poised for a breakout year after ending last year's on a bumbling stumbling rumbling play in RCF.  Using his lithe frame, he is able to cover inches upon inches of ground in LF and take extra bases in a single bound.  He throws are accurate from the OF, but from inside 90 feet, he is an Ankiel/Knoblauch hybrid. 

When Jim Rome talks about Angry Softball Guy, he is talking about Jason and Adam.  Cerrano's bats are afraid of curveballs.  AE Sports' bats are afraid when this guy makes an out.  So are dugout poles, gloves, and any other tangible object that can be used to hit Mr. Adam's head.  He will lead softball in OF assists, Jet Terry imitations, dirt angels, and Wonnie beratings. Winning.

Last and Least, your blog host.  I am the Japsican. If the opposition would put 9 fielders to the right side of 2B, I may go 0 for the season.  My slugging percentage will be eerily close to my batting average.  I'm short...but watch out because I'm slow too.  I've also delegated managerial duties, so really, I have to keep up with this ridiculous blog and the stats so that I have worth to this thing.  I'm like your HS baseball stat girl, but not nearly as young, hot nor even female.  Bummer. 

So here we are...the furious fart-making flautas who take the field for 10 Wednesdays this spring trying to come home with a most treasured T-shirt and no injuries.  Join us.